I Want To Change What I’m Doing

I want to change what I’m doing with this blog. I’ve been on WordPress since 2015 and primarily focus on publishing poetry and short prose. I really like some of the pieces I’ve written, and I enjoy the ways in which I have been able to manipulate words in a romantic, flowery style. But the reason I’ve struggled to maintain this site consistently is because I rarely dig to the deep end where what I believe what is “good” writing can be discovered within oneself-the part that is honest, raw, and real. I’m going to test a few things out. Here’s a log.

2:05 AM

Entry 1:

The slow but certain onset of a depressive phase has been hitting me in waves these past few weeks. Some days, I want to go back to being swept away by my own misery and emptiness. In some respects-less obvious ones-I personally believe it is much easier to not be ok than it is to be ok. When nothing is wrong, you have to stand on your own. I think that’s why so many people romanticize pain. Why so many people exaggerate the magnitude of minute struggles. Why so many people choose to wallow. I recognize these things easily in others because I harbor the same faults. When you’re ok, your mistakes are the fault of none other than yourself. I hate to think of using pain as a crutch, but for the sake of how we see ourselves, we have all been in situations in which we’ve cut ourselves slack because of various factors in our lives.

Of late I’ve been fighting these hollow demons harder than I have ever cared to. I refuse to let my being to be crushed; my life to be consumed. I want to live.

I think I’ve been doing well (with my critical nature in mind.) My expectations and ambitions can extend themselves to be painfully high, but instead of settling for less and then living with the misery that comes with reducing my hopes, I have been trying to accept my reality. I believe I will find great value in living through these things. I have always been racing to the finish line, or 4 steps back in the past, so living in the present moment is unsettling-but not impossible. I find that few things are truly impossible. We have the choice between serving as our own hindrance or help.

I think I am seeing relative success because I am fighting with more than just my own strength.

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